When it comes to Apple products, I’m a fan. I own a MacBook Pro and an iPhone 3GS. Wouldn’t buy anything else. I depend on them like I do oxygen or water. Seriously. When it comes to Apple support…not so much. Yesterday, I was rushing out of my house to get to my car, iPhone in my left hand, earbuds (the pricey, $70 jobbers from Apple) in my ears. I started to trip, and instinctively put out my hand to steady myself. My hand connected with the earbuds. They went flying, as did my iPhone. As I picked it up, I immediately checked it for damage. Keep in mind, I’ve got the iPhone case from HELL on it – the damn thing has a silicone sleeve AND an exoskeleton made of football helmet plastic. I also have an Invisible Shield screen protector over the screen. I thought, “no worries…I’ve got an extended warranty via AppleCare, and the phone is less than a year old.” I called Apple. And then the fun began…

Turns out I didn’t really read all the fine print on the AppleCare warranty. It covers only electronic part failure. If a “wear part” goes out, or if the phone is dropped, damaged, lost or otherwise injured, you are S.O.L. Lovely. So I haven’t had the thing a year, and I’m already hosed. “So…what will you charge me for repairing it?,” I asked. I was told that Apple will sell me a reconditioned (used) 3GS for the low, low price of…wait for it…$199. Color me underwhelmed. So I said, “what are my other options?” She recommended that I Google “iPhone repair” and select a firm that will repair the screen for me. I objected, “but won’t that void my warranty?” She said, “oh, no…don’t worry about it…your warranty was voided the minute you dropped the phone.”

Pause with me for a nanosecond whilst we consider the Theatre of the Absurd my life has become.

“So you mean to tell me that I paid $69 for an additional one year warranty on my iPhone, but even though the phone is less than a year old, because I cracked the screen, not only will you NOT fix it under warranty, but you’ve also canceled the basic warranty AND the extra coverage I paid for?

Yup. That’s exactly what she was telling me.

Now, don’t get me wrong. She was unfailingly polite about everything. But her hands were tied. Which, ironically enough, was exactly what I was imagining doing to Steve Jobs, right about then.

Then…it got weirder. (Where’s Hunter S. Thompson when you need him?)

She said, “Oh…I don’t even see your AppleCare warranty on your account. Are you sure you purchased one?” I told her, yes, I had, and I even have the original box with the serial number on it in front of me.

“Okay, well you’d better give me that number, so I can record it.”

“Why?”

“Well, so we’ll have a record of your AppleCare coverage.”

“Um…that would be the AppleCare warranty coverage that you told me is now null and void because my screen is cracked? THAT AppleCare coverage?”

“Well…yes. I suppose so.”

I thought for a minute. “Well, what if I DON’T register the plan? I mean, it won’t do me any good now, right? And then in June, when you guys release whatever iPhone hotness takes the place of the 3GS in the hearts and minds of MacFanboys everywhere, I could just shell out the big bucks for the new phone, and the apply the AppleCare plan to the NEW phone where it might – just might – do me some good. Right?”

She found my logic to be unassailable.

So I looked up “iPhone Repair” on Google. Turns out there are some anecdotal stories about how some poor schmucks have taken their iPhones to Apple stores and found Geniuses that took pity upon them, repairing them gratis. Hope springs eternal. So tomorrow, I’m heading for Big D and my nearest Apple Emporium to try my luck. If I bomb out there, I’ll try one of the several Dallas-based repair depots, and see if I can get my iPhone back to looking healthy.

So, Steve…if you’re listening, do me a favor. Stop selling AppleCare. That kind of thing is beneath you. It’s poorly marketed, misrepresented, and not worth the money – all things that run diametrically opposed to the “Apple Way.” And if a racket is what you’re after, go for where the REAL money is. Insurance. I hear it’s a license to steal.

I feel that way about Spam. There’s few things I can think of that bother me more than unsolicited intrusions into my online activities. What’s worse, is I’m now dealing with some Spammer that thinks it’s acceptable to hack into this blog and insert code so he can pump Spam to my readers.

I hate Spam. But I hate Spammers – and hackers – even more.

I can tell you it’s not been a problem for any of you – because this clueless hack is such a moron, he apparently doesn’t know how to properly hack a blog – his code simply makes my blog disappear. No code. Just a blank page. Mind you, I still don’t know how the little bastard is getting in…I’ve taken all the precautions I know, and I’m still getting several pages changed without permission.

I can promise you, though, that my patience is wearing thin. And I have a buddy who has a buddy that does high-level contract work for the code spooks at the NSA. I may call in a favor. Or three. And then we’ll see how much this little twerp likes it when HIS computer gets hacked.

I’ve always liked UPS. From their early days where they essentially stuck it to the U.S. Postal Service, UPS has always delivered. For a time, they, like FedEx, had a laser-like focus on their target market. UPS delivered parcels – just parcels, and did it better than the Post Office. Federal Express was the “when you absolutely, positively have to get it there overnight” guys. That was then…this is now. Today, UPS (and FedEx) try to be all things to all people, and seem to have stopped focusing on their customers, and have begun focusing on each other. UPS bought Mailboxes, etc. and renamed it “The UPS Store.” FedEx bought Kinkos, and is busy renaming it “FedEx Office.” So much for brand equity.

Lately, UPS has been trying to educate the public that they are a one-stop shop for all things shipping. Not an easy task (it’s always harder to sell yourself as a Jack of All Trades, when it’s soooo easy to come off as the Master of None), but it’s made harder by their spots that only a CEO with a corporate ego as big as all outdoors could love.

Here’s an example:

I’m not sure what they’re trying to say here. Ditto with the other spots in the series. But when it came time for my wife to ship me a technical care package (hard drive, digitizing tablet and stylus, et cetera), she dutifully went to The UPS Store to ship me the gear.

If you believe the commercials, The UPS Store guys can slay wild lions, walk a tightrope, and solve your shipping problems. Would that this were true. While my packaget got here on time, the tablet’s stylus was a no-show. Just to be clear, no stylus – no point in having a digitizing tablet. After calling my wife, we determined that the likely root of the problem was a UPS Store employee who expressed more than a little interest in the tablet. (Of course the irony is that the stylus is every bit as useless without the tablet, as the tablet is without the stylus.

So I’m screwed. It will take three weeks for the fine folks at UPS to process the claim for the replacement. In the meanwhile, I’m out the use of my tablet (nobody locally’s gonna have a replacement stylus), and so instead of getting the benefits of 2nd day air shipping by UPS, my work will be at a disadvantage for the better part of a month. Of course UPS will pick up the replacement cost for the stylus. Unfortunately, that won’t come close to replacing the time lost by not having access to a tablet.

Would I give UPS another shot? Not on anything critical. I’ll pack my own stuff in the future, thank you very much. As far as UPS convincing me that they are all things to all my shipping needs, I’m afraid that claim is just so much wet cardboard.

A guy says to his buddy, “Wow, man…that’s aggravating.”

His buddy replies, “no, that’s just irritating. Not even frustrating.”

“What’s the difference?,” the first guy asks.

The second guy says, “hand me that phone,” and dials random numbers until he gets an answer. “Hi, may I speak to Joe?”

The person on the other end says, “You have the wrong number,” and hangs up.

The second guy says, “Now that was irritating – getting a call for someone else, especially this close to midnight.”

The first guy says, “now what?”

The second guy says, “we wait.”

Around 12:30, they call the same number again. “Is Joe there? I really need to speak to him.”

The voice on the other end of the phone says, “I told you before, there’s no Joe here. You have the wrong number! Do you know what time it is?” and hangs up.

The second guy says, “no that was frustration. Now we wait long enough for this poor schlub to get back to sleep.”

At 1AM they call again. A sleepy voice on the other end says, “hello?…”

The second guy, disguising his voice says, “Hi…this is Joe…have there been any calls for me?”

Now THAT’S aggravation.

I experienced all of the above, getting this blog restored. Time will tell if I have gotten the hackers thrown out, and the damage they did repaired. In the meantime, I’m wishing (again) we had the death penalty for hackers…

If I were king of the world, morons that get their jollies by stealing passwords, infecting sites with malware, defacing sites, and any other kind of mischief, would get the death penalty. No appeals. No delays. We’d string ‘em up, preferably in public, with mandatory coverage by the networks. (Obviously, the networks are acquainted with mandatory programming – they cover every Obama presser, so they shouldn’t have a problem with a sensational, money-maker like a public execution.)

About a week ago, a client notified me that there was a problem with one of the sites I host for them. I assumed – at first – that the malicious JavaScript code that had been added to their index page without permission was an isolated incident.

Not so fast.

Unfortunately, it was not – I soon discovered that every site hosted from within my account had been affected. Even worse, as soon as I’d clean up the index files, they’d get re-infected. My webhost technical support suspected that the problem was due some older versions of WordPress, running on client sites. I discovered that a number of blogs I’d set up for others were running older versions of WordPress. Sounds insignificant, except that they exposed every website hosted through my account to the malicious code. How? Well, when WordPress discovers a vulnerability, they publish a fix, then publish a list of all the vulnerabilities. That may sound like a good idea, but if you don’t upgrade immediately, it’s essentially posting a sign on the ‘net, that lets all the bad guys know just how to worm their way into sites that haven’t upgraded immediately.

Even more aggravating, I’ve got one blog – blog.grokmedia.com – that is getting messed with every couple of days. Some idiot is adding in what’s called an iframe tag in a header file, making the site inaccessible, where it will display a blank page.

Hopefully, I’ve gotten everything cleaned up, and secured so that the hackers will leave my sites alone, and look for easier sites to hack.

It makes me wonder, though, if these guys are so accomplished at writing code, why they think it’s okay to amuse themselves by harming others, instead of simply using their powers for good.

Further updates as details warrant.

What amazes me, however, is that the media – on both the left AND the right – is confused about why Chrysler (or let’s get real: The Treasury Dept.) wants to can almost 800 loyal ChryslerCo dealers today.

First, a couple of disclaimers – my wife and I both drive Jeeps, I’m a big fan of the Wrangler, and I used to work for an agency that did ads for car dealers, exclusively.

Congressmen, pundits and TV talking heads are all up in arms about the dealer bloodletting, claiming there’s no reason to kill off dealerships, and that “fewer dealers means fewer sales.”

Balderdash.

Here’s the deal, campers: Not only does Chrysler have too many models that overlap each other, they also have way too many dealers to sell the cars that DO sell to the public. (And keep in mind, everything that’s wrong with Chrysler is 10 times worse when you talk about GM.) It’s a little concept called cannibalization, all part of the laws of supply and demand. Let’s say in your city, you can sell 10,000 cars per month. Okay. Only a certain number of those sales – lets say…um…1,700 of ‘em will be a Chrysler product. Keep in mind, there are no fixed prices in the auto industry. Every dealer competes against every other dealer. Also remember that dealers are required to buy a certain number of cars from the manufacturer per month, need ‘em or not. So you have a situation where dealers are, shall we say, highly motivated to sell every car they can. Now if you have only one or two Chrysler/Dodge/Jeep dealers in a given metro area, you will have less competition. The number of cars you can sell into that market won’t change – only a certain percentage will buy Chrylers, Dodges, or Jeeps, regardless of how many dealers exist. But fewer dealers means less competition for the dealers that sell a particular brand, and therefore improve the odds of those dealers making a profit. Too many dealers cannibalize sales, reduce profit margins, and make it that much harder for dealers to survive.

Now, none of this has ANYTHING to do with how the dealers that will be axed have been chosen. As for me, the whole Chrysler deal stinks on ice – there’s no way that bond holders should have to take 29 cents on the dollar, no way any union should end up with ANY ownership stake in a bankrupt company, and no way that our government should be calling the tune so that they can pay back political patrons. But regardless of the corruption in place that has dictated which dealers live and which die, killing off a bunch of dealerships isn’t just a good idea – it’s essential to giving whatever survives from ChryslerCo a fighting chance to prosper.

From a marketing point of view, this is pretty easy to understand – reduce competition = increased profit. But since the ObamaNation has chosen to politicize the process, I can’t really blame people for being a bit confused about why dealers are going away.

A few days ago, I installed an update to a key plugin (Google Analytics for WordPress). Without realizing it (until today) the blog was down, and visitors saw a blank white page, with NO code displayed, even if you chose “view source.” I don’t wanna get all Mr. Propeller Head on you, but that’s weird. Finally tracked the error down to a plugin upgrade malfunction. It’s fixed now. My appologies to anyone who wondered where the blog went off to.

Pause with me for a nanosecond while we consider this latest bit of lunacy.

First Obama becomes Marketer-in-Chief for Chrysler, cutting their advertising budget in half. Today, he set nationwide fuel economy standards for cars and trucks sold in the USA.

If Obamanomics dictates that it’s in the country’s best interest to get the Federal Government out of the car business, they’ve got a funny way of going about it. The absolute last thing the auto industry needs right now is the government telling them to improve fuel standards. Nice idea, higher mileage cars. Bad idea to put the government in charge, and worse idea to do it right now.

Not much more to say about this – for now, other than to wonder just what else the ObamaNation has planned for us.

They sure are good at campaigning, though. Pity the election is over.

Jeep. There's Only One.

And then there were two. ChryCerebus has turned the page to Chapter 11 (as opposed to turning the corner), and what’s left looks a lot like Crissis-ler. The conventional wisdom is that Chrysler is toast (the brand, not the company), Dodge is on the bubble, and Jeep is the only brand that has actual worth in a Detroit-style fire sale. Fair enough. For the sake of argument, let’s pretend that, with the bankruptcy, Chrysler is able to shed it’s legacy costs and indentured servitude to the unions union contracts, and can either move forward as a leaner, meaner company, or sell its assets in liquidation. With the Chrysler brand D.O.A., and Dodge coughing up blood, let’s examine the best way to save Jeep, either as a stand-alone company or as something worth acquiring, and allow me make an out in left-field proposal for who should buy Jeep, wheel-lock, stock and barrel.

Jeep is the quintessential American brand. Nothing says “all-purpose, tough-as-nails, durable and reliable vehicle” like Jeep. Or at least it did, until the Chrysler brain trust started mucking about with the time-tested, Trail-Rated® formula. But something in Chrysler’s history points the way to the way out for Jeep: Lee Iacocca’s humble K Car.

Set your WABAC machines for the start of the Lee Iacocca era, and how he saved Chrysler. He ruthlessly cut scope, found a single, simple platform upon which to build the future, and then rode that horse for all it was worth. What was a K Car? It could be practically anything…from pocket rocket to a scaled down Family Truckster, the K Car was a chameleon for Chrysler. I owned one – a Chrysler Laser – complete with a 4-banger turbo. Got over 130,000 miles out of that whip before I sold it and bought…a Chysler Le Baron convertible. So using that logic, I give you the future of Jeep, and the K Car for the new Millenium: The Jeep Wrangler/Wrangler Unlimited.

Before you scoff, look at what Jeep has already done with the Wrangler. Born of an all-purpose vehicle from WWII, the Wrangler has evolved into the ultimate off-road/utility vehicle. You can get a Wrangler in 2- or 4-doors, in 2- or 4-wheel drive, and in a removable T-top/hardtop, ragtop, or both. Where “cheap plastic interior” might be a problem in a Chrysler or Dodge, it’s a huge advantage in a Wrangler. Fill it full o’ mud? Divert a garden hose (or a river) inside, and hose that puppy out good as new.

What you may not know is that Jeep has been sitting on an Unlimited-based pickup for years. They already make one – for the Egyptian Army. That brings up interesting possibilities for Future Jeep.

What’s to stop Jeep from releasing a hardtop 2-door Unlimited configured as a pickup, or a hardtop 4-door Unlimited with an open cargo area like the Hummer SUT? With a ladder frame, there’s little to prevent them from bolting on other body configurations – say, a panel truck or a flatbed. Jeep’s got the rep – and the goods – to be a credible entry into the work truck market, and a modified JK platform offers immediate entry into the game.

But what of the rest of the line? Kill the Compass, the Patriot, and the Commander. Mothball the Liberty for some time in the future when the market will bear a “cute ute.” (Not the new one, but the older body style, that looked more Wrangleresque than the current “Nitro beaten with an even-uglier stick”), As the industry buzz says they have a segment-killer in the 2011 Grand Cherokee, keep that in the pipeline as a hedge against the future.

So let’s say we’re successful in refocusing Jeep. Who owns/runs the company? Current management has proved themselves incompetent. The union? Gimme a break. The obvious solution is to sell the Jeep division. But to whom? My choice (as insane as this will sound): Ford.

Ford has a history with the Wrangler’s forebearers – they made Jeeps right alongside Willys-Overland back in WWII. They took their medicine early, and as a result have resisted government handouts. And they are the OTHER quintessential American brand. Ford is the only domestic playa left standing. But aside from that, Jeep gives Ford something they don’t have – a credible off-road presence. It’s a better strategy than selling it to another Eurotrash buyer, or allowing the Obama Nation to create some sort of Frankensteinian American Leyland out of the salvaged parts from Chrysler and GM.

To see why Jeep is worth saving, you have but to look at the resale value of any Wrangler. America needs Jeep, but not as a Welfare Queen, but as a shining example of Capitalism, Know-How, and the American Way. Here’s to hoping that Chapter 11 won’t be the final chapter in the Jeep saga.