Presented for your consideration: Billy Mays (the reigning champ) versus Vince (the challenger):

Billy Mays gets around. He shills for everything from Mighty Putty (above) and the Awesome Auger, to OxyClean and the latest thing in revolutionary insurance policies. (?!) Believe it or not, Mr. Mays is so successful, he’s reached the holy grail of marketing: he makes so much money, he can pick and choose his clients. (Now THAT’S flash!)

The reigning champ of pitchmen paid his dues, without a doubt. He got his start on the Atlantic City Boardwalk, where he developed his trademark emphatic, enthusiastic style. Moving on to the State Fair circuit, he eventually landed on the Home Shopping Network, hawking Orange Glo products. The rest is, as they say, history. A measure of his success is his 1.8 million dollar home in Florida. Another measure: Wikipedia lists some 57 products he’s pitched. Love him or hate him, Mays is, without a doubt, one of the most successful marketers in America.

Vince Offer could retire today, and I’d still have his voice stuck in my ear, opining ” made in Germany…aw…you know the Germans always make good stuff,” and the immortal catch-phrase for a generation: “You followin’ me, camera guy?” Vince, once a one-hit wonder, has recently branched out, pitching a product called Slap Chop – a hand-operated chopper/dicer/potential torture device for insects. Vince is to Billy Mays what a banjo is to an electric guitar – a little more rough around the edges, a little more brittle and brassy, but every bit as hard to ignore. Offer apparently has a history as both a pitchman and a (relatively unsuccessful) writer/director/stand-up comedian. He has the distinction of staring in/writing/directing a film – Undergound Comedy Movie - that consistenly ranks in the bottom 100 movies on IMDb.  He’s also an ex-Scientologist (making him exponentially more intelligent in my book, than Tom Cruise), and had the chutzpah to file a defamation lawsuit against the Church of Scientology. (Now THAT’s some big brass ones.) As a pitchman, he’s got a ways to go to catch up to Mays. Two products doth not a marketing dynasty make. However, it’s nice to see some competition for Mays, as there are a lot of products I can think of that can benefit from a good pitchman’s touch. Problem is, there’s a saturation point for pitchmen – you can only schlep for so many products, before you’re going to be both overexposed and increasingly less effective.

In my warped and twisted imagination, The event I’d like to see is a…let’s call it a “pitch-off” – maybe book HSN or QVC for the night, get a live studio audience, and do some kind of weird “Iron Chef” riff, with Billy and Vince, Mano-a-Mano, pitching products they’d never seen before. At the start of the show, they’d get a catetory, and each would have to pitch one product within that category (but not one they’d done before). The judge (it would HAVE to be Ron Popeill) would assign the products, and give each guy 15 minutes, the product, the instruction book, and a data sheet with features/benefits. They would each do a 10 minute pitch, and the audience would vote on who’s schpeil was the most effective. How much would you pay? Wait…you also get (In the second round) they’d have to pitch two new brand new products with no history (effectively doing an on-the-spot product launch). For the final “lightning” round they’d have to stand side-by-side, pitching the same product, like a drum war, trading eights.

I’d almost pay money to see that.

If I had to bet, my money would be on Mays, simply because he’s got more experience, and has the more sympathetic personality. But you gotta believe that Vince would give him a run for his money. Or our money. But please allow up to 4 weeks for delivery. Void where inhibited.