I suffered for years as a water-carrier for Windows and All Things Microsoft. I had a late-model Windows Mobile phone, the Sprint/HTC Mogul. Never again. In the final months of my contract, I grew to loathe the phone, refering to it as the “Wagon Queen Family Truckster” of cell phones. You know how when you meet someone and you’re really attracted to them, but they have some obvious personality flaws, tics, or other weirdness, but you tell yourself “it’s okay…I don’t care about that…it won’t matter,” but in time, you can’t think of anything else BUT the annoying flaws? THAT sums up my relationship with the Windows Mobile OS, and, by extension, the Sprint/HTC Mogul. From the 1/2 day battery life, crappy keyboard, and lame 1x service (in Amarillo…don’t believe that 4G BS they’re pushing on TV) to the idiosyncratic operating system (with an emphasis on the “IDIO” part, as in “IDIOT”) that only an uber-geek could love, I’m glad to be rid of that crapalicious excuse for a phone. Two tin cans and some string would have worked better on occasion.

What impresses me so much about the iPhone is that it’s so bloody intuitive, simple, and…fun. The interface doesn’t make you work to do something – it gets out of your way. That’s the way a tool should be…it’s raison d’etre is to make your life easier by working for you. Not in spite of you.

It’s also great to see that Apple’s marketing team doesn’t over-hype the phone. They don’t need to, but it’s nice to see them sell the reality and not the promise.

So count me as one satisfied customer, at least at this stage of the game. The price of admission is still high, but if you want a phone that just works – but does a LOT more than just let you make calls, check out the iPhone. And stay away from anything that says “Windows Mobile” on it. Remember – I did warn you…

Did you ever wonder why Microsoft and marketing both start with “m” but just don’t go together? I’m just not quite certain if Microsoft has an aversion to marketing in the same way that, oh, say, Oprah has to Governor Palin. But if this latest excursion into television advertising is any indication, I’d say that “Microsoft” goes together with “marketing” like “Congress” goes with “bi-partisan cooperation.”

Let’s recap: On the one hand, you have Microsoft, probably The Most Successful Computer Company Ever.™ On the other hand, you have Apple, the Little Company That Could.

Microsoft is the Übergorilla in the room – the company that practically owns every facet of your computer. Think about it. Microsoft Windows. Microsoft Mouse. Microsoft Keyboard. Microsoft Office. You name it, and the Boys of Redmond are doing their level best to corner the market in any given segment. Their sheer size and market penetration of so many mission-critical markets make them the big dog on the block.

Apple is the smaller, smarter, more agile competitor. Their products work better. They are easier to use. They are more fun. And they offer a legitimate alternative to Microsoft in every market in which Microsoft plays.

You’d think with all that money (I’m surprised they haven’t cut a deal with Uncle Sam to co-own a Treasury Printing Office…think of the time we’d save on shipping if we could get Microsoft to print the money, instead of printing it elsewhere and shipping it all to Redmond), Microsoft could afford to hire some people that actually understand marketing. In fairness to Microsoft’s marketers, they probably have – but the Microsoft culture refuses to listen.

Apple is different. (No, duh.) They seem to approach everything from a marketing point of view, i.e., “here’s a problem…how can we solve it to make people happy?” Then they think, “how can we make our solution the best possible of all solutions, making it useful, friendly, easy-to-use, and…well…fun.” Microsoft approaches things from a view of “here’s a market that’s making money. Let’s dominate it. Doesn’t much matter if we do it better – we just want the money.”

So every so often, Microsoft inflicts television spots on us. Some of them have been memorable – usually for all the wrong reasons. When they announced Windows 98, they used the Rolling Stones “Start Me Up.” Evidently, nobody thought to listen to the lyric just after the snippet they used – the somewhat prescient, “You make a grown man cry.” Another Microsoft spot famously used Mozart’s Requiem to pitch their products. The Dies Irae section’s lyrics go a little something like this:

Day of wrath, day of anger
will dissolve the world in ashes,
as foretold by David and the Sibyl.
Great trembling there will be
when the Judge descends from heaven
to examine all things closely.

If only. So Microsoft has a well-documented history of shooting itself in the foot with their marketing. (Of course, you can argue that they do the same thing with their products, and you wouldn’t be far off the mark.)

Vista is an unmitigated disaster, an operating system that only a sadomasochist could love. We have it on two of the computers at my house and it is universally reviled with the same enthusiasm one has for excrement found adhering to the bottom of one’s shoe. To make matters worse, Apple’s agency devised a brilliant, long-running series of ads that poke fun at Microsoft in general, and Vista in particular. “I’m a Mac.” “And I’m a PC.” is nothing short of genius. In every ad, the theme is hammered home that Macs are easy to use, fun, and help you get work done. PCs are dull, boring, difficult to use, and are best relegated to folks like “Mordac, Preventer of Information Services.”

As if to rub it in, Apple made one brilliant move after another. iPod. iTunes. iPhone. “iSurrender” would have been a legit strategy for the Redmond crew, but nooooooooo – they decided to fight back the best way they know how. With a new ad. Starring Bill “Mr. Personality” Gates and Jerry “I’m bored and the money’s good” Seinfeld.

In Damage Control 101we learn that the best way to deal with a collosal P.R. problem is to face it head on. Vista’s problems are no big secret. In fact, everybody but Microsoft seems to know about it. A spot where the recently retired Gates says something like, “Hey everybody…Bill Gates here. Sorry about that Vista thing. We’ve heard you. We realize our new O/S is a big steaming pile, and we’re gonna do something about it. Please be patient, and we’ll fix it. And we’ll never violate your trust in us again.” Now THAT’S a spot I’d like to see. Believable? Maybe…maybe not. But it would stand a much better chance of resonating with the public than the piece of ego-driven dreck they’re airing now.

No mention of the Vista Problem. No admission of culpability or guilt. All they do is to talk about the future. (Just between you and me, I could care less about a computer that offers chewey, yummy goodness. I’d be satisfied if the damn thing worked once in a while.) No, they do a riff on Bill G.’s status as the World’s Richest Nerd, allow Jerry to do his schtick about how he can’t wait for the NEXT Microsoft innovation, and then…nothing. No payoff. No big announcement. No “sorry about that Vista crap – but now for something really worth waiting for!”

Microsoft seems to have forgotten that, in order to make the FUD factor (Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt) work, you must first promise something more or less specific coming Really Soon Now. You can be vague about the details, but it helps to have something specific in your promise – especially if you’re trying to counter-sell against your competition. If they claimed, “Hey…forget about that OS/X stuff…we’ve got something that’s gonna blow it – and Vista – away!” You might not believe it, but (if you hadn’t heard it a thousand times before) you might at least let them sew the seeds of doubt in your mind. As it is, the spot is just…pointless. So what if they’re gonna do something cool in the future? We need solutions NOW. There’s nothing in that spot that convinces me to buy a Windows box – or to change my decision to buy Macs from now on. (Remember, until just recently, I’ve been a Window guy.)

Is there hope for Microsoft? I kind of doubt it. You see, inertia is the only thing they have in their favor. Bigger companies than Microsoft have imploded, flamed out or simply rotted from within before. Won’t be the first time. Google (a.k.a.: “The NEW Microsoft”) is busy pulling the rug out from under Microsoft’s kingdom. Google is doing a fine job of disintermediating Microsoft to the point where they’ll simply be irrelevant. Can marketing help Microsoft avoid that fate? In the short term, maybe. In the long term, not unless they actually deliver on the yummy goodness stuff, and stop shoveling things like Vista on to our plates and telling us it’s great.